It is very easy for us humans to find fault and to criticize someone else’s family. It is harder for us to take an honest look at our own. The fact is that all of us who follow Jesus need to make sure that we are treating our families in a way that pleases God. After saying that servants should respectfully submit to their masters, the Apostle Peter in the first 6 verses of chapter 3 of his first letter, writes these words to wives: “In the same way, wives, be in subjection to your own husbands; so that, even if any don’t obey the Word, they may be won by the behavior of their wives without a word; seeing your pure behavior in fear. Let your beauty be not just the outward adorning of braiding the hair, and of wearing jewels of gold, or of putting on fine clothing; but in the hidden person of the heart, in the incorruptible adornment of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is in the sight of God very precious. For this is how the holy women before, who hoped in God also adorned themselves, being in subjection to their own husbands: as Sarah obeyed Abraham, calling him lord, whose children you now are, if you do well, and are not put in fear by any terror.”
In this passage Peter gives two goals for which every Christian wife should strive. The first is to win her husband. In an ideal world, every husband would be a committed follower of Christ and would be the spiritual leader of his home. But the sad truth is that even among those who wear the name of Christ, many husbands are unbelievers. In these circumstances it falls to the wife to provide spiritual direction in the family. But how can this be done? How can a wife turn her husband’s heart toward God? Peter clearly says that she cannot do it with words. No man likes to be lectured, particularly by his wife. When a man’s pride is involved he will often turn away from what he knows is right rather than admit that he is wrong. If a woman is to win her husband she must do it by her actions and her example. This takes a great deal of humility but the Christian wife should always keep in mind what her object is. Her purpose is not to prove her husband wrong or to tear him down, but to save him. In order to do this a Christian wife will be submissive. In verse 6 Peter uses the example of Sarah to illustrate what this means. A submissive wife will obey her husband. In this way she shows that she respects his judgment and gives more value to his desires than to her own. Also, though she might not call her husband “lord” as Sarah did, she will show by her attitude and actions that she recognizes the authority God has given to her husband as the head of the household.
Another thing a Christian wife will do in order to turn her husband toward God is to live a pure life. It will achieve nothing for a wife to tell her husband that he should live a holy life if she is unwilling to do so herself. Purity also brings contentment and when a husband sees it in his wife he will begin to wonder how he can share in that contentment.
The second goal that every Christian wife should have is to develop her inner self. To make this point Peter contrasts two standards of beauty. One type of beauty comes from external things such as clothing, jewelry and hair style. This type of beauty appeals to man’s physical desires but if this is the only kind of beauty a woman has, it will soon fade. Then, when her physical beauty is gone, the attraction her husband felt for her will be gone as well. But Peter says that there is a kind of beauty that does not fade. This beauty has its origin in a woman’s character and attitudes. This inner beauty transforms the entire person. The woman who has it will be attractive no matter how she looks physically or what she wears.
Here it would be good to dispel a misunderstanding. Some people have the idea that Peter forbids the wearing of jewelry or nice clothing. This is not true. Adornment is wrong only when it takes precedence over the godly inner qualities which produce true beauty. What Peter is saying is that women should be beautiful because of who they are rather than because of what they wear. Clothing and adornment should never be a substitute for character.
Another misunderstanding that some people have is that by saying a woman should have a gentle and quiet spirit Peter means that she is supposed to be somber, mirthless and dull. Nothing could be farther from the truth. In fact, women who are truly godly are filled with joy, love, hope and confidence. In the first chapter of this very letter Peter writes that the followers of Christ are filled “…joy unspeakable and full of glory…” (1 Peter 1:8) The Apostle Paul writes, “…the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faith, gentleness, and self-control….” (Galatians 5:22-23) It is these inner qualities that should be the most noticeable characteristic of a Christian wife. It is these inner qualities which make her beautiful and which will attract her husband and draw him to God.
This passage contains one more difficulty that should be cleared up. In verse 2 where Peter is explaining how husbands will be brought to God, this translation says, “…seeing your pure behavior in fear…” But in verse 6 Peter instructs wives to, “… not [be] put in fear by any terror…” While this is a good literal translation it does cause some confusion. Why would Peter tell wives not to fear and at the same time say that it is their fear which will win over their husbands? The key to understanding this is to realize that the word Peter uses can have different connotations. It seems clear that in verse 6 Peter is telling wives not to be afraid of their husbands or of having to suffer because of living holy lives. In verse two it seems that Peter is speaking of the relationship the wife has with God. If this is so, then Peter is saying that a Christian wife will display a reverential fear for God rather than dread. Also keep in mind that in chapter 1, verse 17 Peter writes that all of the followers of Christ should live their lives in fear. And, as we saw, the scripture says, “To fear the LORD is to hate evil…” (Proverbs 8:13 NIV) This passion in his wife to renounce evil and to do what is right will cause an unbelieving husband to seek God.